I'm sitting here wondering whether or not I should write this post.  It's not an easy one.  I feel it may even feel a bit contradictory to some of my earlier posts.  However, this issue is continuing to occupy space in my thoughts so I feel I need to try to write.
 
I have written in the past how I feel about the role God plays in the abuse I and many others have suffered.  I've not only written about His role in abuse but in all things bad that happen.  I have written that I don't feel such a wonderful, loving, good God could have anything to do with evil and bad things.  This has been challenged over the last year.  God is increasing my understanding.  Here's how...
 

The question I pose as the title of this post has been something on my mind a lot lately.  Over the past couple of months I have felt to increase my involvement with abuse awareness.  The first step for me has been to talk about it as openly as I possibly can.  This step requires an abundance of courage, grace, and sensitivity.  It requires me to battle against the shame that can still overwhelm me at times because I am a survivor of abuse.

"Bound by their fears of being exposed as imposters, these women have kept secrets that they believed would ruin them.  And there were patterns I couldn't help but see as I read--faith, family, friends, careers, etc.--all areas in which women assumed they were alone in their struggles.  From where I was sitting I could see all of their words along with everyone else's, but they didn't have the benefit of that viewpoint.  Just their own keyboard and the hope that they wouldn't be judged by the contents of the message they wrote.  It's a microcosm of what the Lord must see everyday as He watches His daughters walk through life without seeing the hearts of the women around them." quote from "What Women Fear; Walking in Faith that Transforms" by Angie Smith.
 
This paragraph caught my attention as I was reading chapter 3 for our women's small group meeting.  The last sentence especially spoke to me, "It's a microcosm of what the Lord must see everyday as He watches His daughters walk through life without seeing the hearts of the women around them."  This sentence actually broke my heart and I thought about how true it is.  I feel, as a woman, I have an incredibly hard time not comparing myself to other women both outwardly and inwardly.  I have caught myself doing it quite often.  I am thankful that I am finally aware of it and am working to change it.  Whenever I am comparing myself I try to change it by remembering that I only need to be concerned with how God sees me and the work He wants to do and is doing in my life.  I remind myself to look at my outside through the lenses of what God is doing on the inside.  He is creating beautiful restoration and wholeness.  It's ok for me to reflect that on the outside and choose clothes and things that I like, not because I saw the same outfit on someone else and it looked fantastic.  I need to look for what works for me.  As I begin to take this approach with myself, I see the same struggle in other women.  My heart breaks for them.  I see their need to maintain a facade.  I catch glimpses of the "them" they don't want anyone else to see.
 

I've noticed a lot of talk in the media lately about bullying and efforts to stop it.  I think it's fantastic!  I, too, was bullied in middle school and high school so I completely support efforts that will help kids stop being bullies and victims.  There's another type of bullying I would like to draw attention to...Spiritual Bullying.  This, on the other hand, I still do not hear a whole lot about yet it is just as widespread and damaging as the bullying being suffered physically and emotionally by kids across America.  I'm thinking it's partially due to the nature of this type of abuse.  It can be very subtle and soft.  Unlike physical and verbal abuse, the victim and those around may not even realize they are being bullied til well after the fact.  This is where I found myself many years ago.
 

I'd like to share an excerpt from a book I'm reading titled, "Plan B:  What do you do when God Doesn't Show Up the Way You Thought He Would?  The author, Pete Wilson, quotes this verse, (Begin quote) - "Two people are better than one, because they get more done by working together.  If one falls down, the other can help him up.  But it is bad for the person who is alone and falls, because no one is there to help.  If two lie down together, they will be warm, but a person alone will not be warm.  An enemy might defeat one person, but two people together can defend themselves; a rope that is woven of three strings is hard to break." Eccles. 4:9-12.

I have been noticing lately that I am not very happy and have been feeling rather lonely.  As I've stepped back and quieted myself to evaluate this, a realization I have come to is that there has been a lot of emotional / relational drama in my life in the past year or so especially.  I've started to feel that relationships with people are highly overrated and that maybe I can be an island. No? Are you sure?  I'm so happy in my relationship with God.  I love what I am continuing to learn about Him on a daily basis and what He continues to show me about my heart and this life that He is guiding me through.  The people I am in healthy relationships with, I am very happy!  Part of what a healthy relationship to me is one where both can be completely themselves.  When offenses happen, we can come to each other and work it out in maturity, honesty, and love.

A video from New Spring Church

"No matter what you're going through, you can rest assured that the Lord is behind it. He is testing you, trying you, in order to bring something glorious out of you—and that is a total confidence in his faithfulness."  I read this quote from an article earlier today.
 
Let's be more specific and add specific "trials" to the statement in bold letters.  "No matter that you are being sexually abused, abandonded, rejected, raped, physically abused, verbally/emotionally abused, you can rest assured that the Lord is behind it."  "No matter that your little girl is suffering with cancer you can rest assured that the Lord is behind it."  "No matter that your loved one was murdered you can rest assured that the Lord is behind it."  Is this truly the message we are suppose to get and give?  Even in the scripture the author references, Psalm 66, I do not see where that supports that God causes any of these to happen.  I don't see that He is "behind" any of these things.  Just before the quote above, the author gives his interpretation of Psalm 66 verse 10; "This is all God's doing. He has led you into this trial for a special purpose. God is proving you. It is not the work of the devil."

Yesterday I wrote about controlling behavior in relationships.  Today I'd like to share what it has looked like for me to change that behavior.  Let me just say it is a process.  I am in no way done but I do feel like progress has been made because I am experiencing healthy relationships and restoration in my life now.